Sixteen years ago I was just weeks into widowhood. Such a massive shift between then and now!
Back then I was in the utter depths of grief and trying to find a way to keep us functioning and moving forward to whatever was ahead of us without our husband and dad.
It was the Christmas season, obviously. It didn't dawn on me my husband’s paycheck would be less because of his death date. Thankfully, his co-workers made sure we would have a good Christmas.
I remember the most epic, all-consuming, terrifying meltdown of all time. I don't remember what might have triggered it, but remember how it felt. The boys came running - terrified. They were so young still. I could barely catch a breath between sobs much less let them know I was okay, that I just had to get the grief out. Both boys held me while I cried and cried, and cried.
Note to those who are afraid tears will never stop if they let them flow: There will be a break. That initial cry IS limited. It won't last forever. And, somehow, you will get enough air not to suffocate no matter how fast and hard the sobs come. You will be utterly exhausted. You should definitely rehydrate! And, you should give yourself grace in all of it.
Gosh! Everything was so hard then.
Grief and peace slowly, almost imperceptibly, intertwine.
Here I am sixteen years later.
I'm glad I survived the . worst . grief, a grief not even imaginable. I can function more normally again - cancer treatment repercussions notwithstanding.
All of the thoughts and words on grief and loss written then and since are finally coming together on the website, though it is foundational until after the holidays. In time there will be free resources, videos, loads of blog posts, and maybe even a course or two. And eventually that book!
And, in spite of another hard year with too much death, we are having our first full blown Christmas since Mom died five years ago!!!
My husband's stocking is still hanging among the rest. It always will be.
Marsha
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